Translator Cory Saul’s Introduction
The Inscription of Haut Puuket wasdiscovered in 1946 by explorer Charles Muntz in an ancient temple near Paradise Falls. Written on four limestone tablets in papyrus font, size 12, the inscription was surprisingly well preserved for being originally transcribed in the 18th century BCE. It was also written in English, leading to a complete upheaval in the scholastic world of etymology. Several themes and events in the text parallel the book of Genesis, as well as contemporary works such as Enuma Elish, The Epic of Gilgamesh, and Twilight. The original title carried an inscription that read: “You’re really going to read this? I’m sorry…”
1) (If referring back from Tablet 22 please disregard everything discussed hereafter.) Before the beginning, there was nothing. This much should be obvious. Then, in the beginning, the all-knowing Crocoshark created Morgan Freeman. And Crocoshark said, “Morgan Freeman, you have a much better voice than I do, so I hereby make you the Lord of this world.” To this, Morgan Freeman replied, “But Lord Crocoshark, where is this world that you will have me rule?” And Crocoshark said, “I have yet to make it. Don’t talk back.”
So Crocoshark separated some waters or something and created a square world, with perfect proportions. “That will not work. How will things grow and walk on this world?” asked Morgan Freeman. And Crocoshark replied, “I’d shut you up if your voice was not such audible chocolate.”
Then Crocoshark told Morgan Freeman to say, “Let there be light.” So Morgan Freeman said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. Then Crocoshark created trees and other foliage on his square world, and he also made carpet, but that was boring so he decided to make the carpet into hot lava. All the trees and foliage died.
Morgan Freeman then said, “Look at what you have done. The trees are burning and falling off your square world. You are a horrible Creator.” Hearing Morgan Freeman say this in such a beautiful voice made Crocoshark’s countenance fall. The all-knowing Crocoshark started to weep and left.
Now Morgan Freeman said, “Let it be right,” and the world was cut into a sphere, and the hot lava turned into land. The trees came back, and Lord Morgan Freeman said, “Let there be a sun for this world to rotate around, and let this world spin on an axis, so I might be able to record the rest of my creation in a span of days.” This is how Morgan Freeman created Time.
2) On the first day, the Lord MF said, “Let there be penguins, so I may one day use my voice to narrate a documentary about their plight.” So there were penguins. The Lord placed the penguins in the most horrible place on Earth: Cleveland. It would be several centuries before the penguins decided that Antarctica is much more hospitable. And the Lord said this was good.
On the second day, Morgan Freeman created the other animals. The hills of his world were rich with life. Deer, sheep, cats of all kinds, velociraptors, and elephants roamed, and the Lord said it was also good.
On the third day, Morgan Freeman made the birds of the sky and the fish of the water. He thought this was cool too.
On the fourth day, the Lord made a special little park within his world, so he may perform experiments and trial runs. Such things are necessary. And Morgan Freeman said, “This is good.”
On the fifth day, the Lord decided that he liked the chimpanzees he created so much, that he was going to give one of them a highly developed brain, less hair, and slightly better posture. Morgan Freeman said, “Let it be so,” and the operation was a success. However, fearing the immense power of this new being, He decided to take away the opposable big toe. He called this new being Man, and placed him in the little park he created the day before.
When Morgan Freeman created the animals, he made both male and female at the same time. So, when he created man, he also created female. Morgan Freeman understood reproduction… and man’s need for sandwiches.
Morgan Freeman then told man and woman to go about and name all the animals, because He was sick of working. So on the sixth and seventh days, Morgan Freeman took a nap.
3) So man and woman (after naming themselves Jesse and Sandra) went about the park, naming the creatures. This is when, out of sheer pretentiousness, they decided to spell pterodactyl with a “P” in the beginning.
Then the Lord created many more women, so Jesse could choose one of them, and be happy forever. It came to pass that Jesse decided he liked all the girls. And Morgan Freeman said, “Oops, I suppose I’ve made men like sex too much.” Eventually, the paparazzi started following the story and Jesse’s reputation was ruined.
Knowing that a man is nothing without his reputation, Morgan Freeman decided to start over. He destroyed Jesse the modified chimpanzee, and his women, and then made a new man and a new woman: Tom and Katie.
1) Morgan Freeman came to Tom and Katie and said, “I’m going to hang out with you guys for a while. All I ask is that you don’t drink any of this delicious strawberry-banana smoothie I brought with me. If you do, the consequences are dire: you will be plagued with knowledge and wisdom that you really don’t want. Trust me.”
So Morgan Freeman stayed with Tom and Katie, examining their behavior, sipping his strawberry-banana smoothie. He enjoyed their company and created gifts for the couple. He even made Tom a couch to jump on.
During this time, many great three-player games were discovered, such as croquet, Monopoly, and Hungry Hungry Hippos. The threesome also created a popular sitcom. However, Tom and Katie did not match Morgan Freeman intellectually, so he quickly became depressed.
At this time, Morgan Freeman realized how the velocipraptors had become strikingly intelligent. One in particular, who called himself Philosiraptor, ran a commune not far from the park. So it came to pass that Morgan Freeman went to meet Philosiraptor, so he may get to talk about himself. Most philosophy involves Morgan Freeman.
2) Soon after the departure of Morgan Freeman, Tom and Katie realized that he had left his strawberry-banana smoothie. They tried to ignore it at first, but its red frothiness was too alluring. It was a really hot day.
The smoothie was sitting on a cute little end table, with a squiggly green straw sticking out of it. Katie approached it first, still trying to fight the temptation. A voice said, “Drink some of this delicious smoothie. I know you’re thirsty.”
“Who said that?” said Katie, afraid because the voice was so unbeautiful. The voice then said, “It is I, Crocoshark.”
And Katie said, “Show yourself, for I am most afraid of speaking with someone whom I cannot see.” Crocoshark said, “Wow, I’m literally right next to you. You can’t see me?”
Then Katie looked, and saw that Crocoshark was indeed right next to her. “Oh, sorry…”
“It’s okay,” said Crocoshark. “But please, drink of this smoothie. You do not know what you are missing.” It did look quite delicious in its crystal glass dripping with endless condensation.
On the other hand, Katie was afraid of being tricked. Morgan Freeman had specifically told her to stay away from this smoothie, and told her that she did not want the power it would give her. After all, the thing tempting her was a grotesque combination of a shark and a crocodile. Not to mention the horrible voice.
Katie said, “But Morgan Freeman said I do not want this, and he created me.” “He is fooling you! This smoothie is the source of his power!” Said Crocoshark. “If you drink of this smoothie you will gain a voice as powerful and soothing as his; a voice that can shift mountains and create life!”
So Katie drank from the glass, and Crocoshark said, “That didn’t take much convincing.” While she was drinking, Tom came up, and he was even easier to convince, so he drank some too.
When they had both finished, the glass was empty. Tom spoke, but his voice was the same as it was before.
Then Morgan Freeman returned from his visit with Philosiraptor, and upon seeing the empty glass, said, “I’m so seriously pissed off right now. I told you not to drink of this smoothie and then this silly Crocoshark comes along, and convinces you to.”
“But my Lord,” said Tom, “you said we would gain knowledge and wisdom if we drank of this, yet I feel nothing.” And Morgan Freeman said, “Of course you feel nothing. That was just my way of making it seem like it was a something other than just a regular smoothie!” Then Katie asked, “Why would you try to convince us not to drink the smoothie?”
“Duh!” Said Morgan Freeman. “Because it was my smoothie, and I wanted all of it!” Then Crocoshark said, “I have a question.” “Silence, Crocoshark! I hereby banish Tom and Katie from this exclusive park—“
“But my question is really really good!” Said Crocoshark, and Morgan Freeman conceded. “If you didn’t want them to drink it,” asked Crocoshark, “why did you ‘threaten’ them with knowledge and wisdom?”
And our Lord Morgan Freeman said, “That is an excellent question.”
The Tablet between Tablet Two and Four was never found. However, since it picks up on a genealogy chain, it is safe to assume that Tom and Katie managed to start a family and, through suspicious inbreeding, their children began multiplying the human race.
1) …And when Abraham Lincoln lived 5,000 years, he begat Lincoln Town and Country. And after he became the father of Lincoln Town and Country, Abraham Lincoln lived 7,082 years and had other sons and daughters who apparently were not that important. Altogether, (if you can’t add) Abraham Lincoln lived 12,082 years.
And when Lincoln Town and Country lived 3,556 years, he begat Tiger Woods. And after he became father of Tiger Woods, Lincoln Town and Country lived 3 years, and had many more sons and daughters. Altogether, Lincoln Town and Country lived 3,559 years.
And when Tiger Woods lived 16 years, he begat Charles, for there was no birth control. After he became father of Charles, Tiger Woods lived 3,416 years, and had many many more sons and daughters. Altogether, Tiger Woods lived 3,432 years.
And when Charles lived 2,302 years, he begat Jonathan. And after he became the father of Jonathan, Charles lived 5,514 years, and had many more sons and daughters who he was sure were not very important. Altogether, Charles lived 7,816 years.
And when Jonathan lived 16 years, he realized he liked men, so he begat nobody. Altogether, Jonathan lived 6,572 years and was very happy. It was Charles who cried, “Why me? Why me? Why me?”
Since Jonathan begat nobody, let’s go back to one of those unimportant sons and daughters of Charles (Who am I kidding? You and I both know it’s going to be an unimportant son). When Charles lived 2,307 years, he begat Sean. He liked women. When Sean lived 1,046 years, he begat William (If referring back from Tablet 13 Chapter 4 replace William with Jeany Jeany Eatsazucchini). And after he became father of William, Sean lived 4,554 years. Altogether, Sean lived 5,600 years, but he was still unimportant.
2) William, who was unimportant because his father was unimportant, saw a flood coming. He gathered a bunch of animals and a few hot chicks and got on a boat he built. He rode out the storm while everyone else on Earth died. Then he repopulated the world, so everything above is kind of irrelevant.
3) So William had sex with all the women he brought on the boat, just like any other man in his position would, but the Lord became angry. “Why are you having sex with all these women? It goes against all the rules!” And William said, “What rules?” And Morgan Freeman said, “Touché.”
This made Morgan Freeman create rules, which he gave to the son of William, whose name was Alexander. This is when Chuck Norris came back in time and roundhouse kicked Alexander. Then Chuck Norris left. Alexander’s untimely death forced William to take up the rules himself. These rules are written in pure gold on tablets made of diamonds and they’re in a box somewhere near Buenos Ares, but don’t look for them. Alexander took the tablets and read them to the world, which already had two billion people. This is what they said: 1) Thou shalt not copulate excessively, until we get birth control. 2) Thou shalt not pity the fool. 3) Thou shalt not perform handstands in kilts. 4) Thou shalt not get caught cheating. 5) Thou shalt not spawn-camp. 6) Thou shalt not kick puppies. 7) Thou shalt not eat fish with cheese. 8) Thou shalt be repetitive in the prefixes of your commands. 9) Thou shalt watch Shawshank Redemption. 10) Thou shalt exercise free will. 11) Thou shalt tell dead baby jokes at cocktail parties. 11) Thou shalt not [the rest of the rules have been lost due to a lack of faith in their practicality]
4) And just so people wouldn’t argue about what is right in the eyes of the Lord Morgan Freeman, he also told Alexander that he is pro-choice, forbids gay marriage, approves of immigration, supports health care reform, hates George Clooney too, knows that stem cell research will get you nowhere, forbids furry pornography, sees racism as a means to eternal happiness, is completely behind imperialism, forbids global warming, and sees women as equals to house cats.
1) Now the whole world gathered in one place and spoke one language. They had discovered the god Money, and followed him without question. The people said to one another, “Come, let us build a city, and two towers that reach to the heavens and symbolize our love for Money.” So it came to pass that the people built two towers, using steel for stone and concrete for mortar. But Morgan Freeman saw these towers and said, “Who is this Money they are worshiping? I have a much better voice.” Then the people said, “But Money talks!” And Morgan Freeman said, “Shut up, that wasn’t even funny.” And he knocked down the two towers, and scattered the people of the Earth, creating all the different languages, except for Latin; he killed Latin because it is useless.
2) And it came to pass that a son of somebody whose name I forget because he was unimportant became satisfactory in the eyes of Morgan Freeman. The son’s name was Chris. Chris loved Morgan Freeman in Million Dollar Baby, so he decided to make a church dedicated to him. Many people came, and soon, most of the world was worshiping Morgan Freeman.
Unfortunately, these churches spent their time singing shallow praise songs that Morgan Freeman found repetitive and meaningless, and preachers did nothing in their sermons but preach their word, and claim it was Morgan Freeman’s. Soon, the world was worshiping Morgan Freeman, but not the Morgan Freeman that created them, destroyed most of them, and then created them again.
Then the worshipers of Morgan Freeman became convinced that they had souls, and that these souls would escape from their dead bodies and ascend to some afterlife Utopia in which they would live forever. This made Morgan Freeman laugh.
3) But it came to pass that people found out that they didn’t have souls (If referring back from Tablet 5 Chapter 4, omit “didn’t have souls” and replace with “were saved by grace.” If referring back from Tablet 6 Chapter 2, omit “they didn’t have souls” and replace with “the cake is a lie.”). This made them very happy, because it meant that they could do whatever they wanted during life without fear of consequences in the afterlife. So Morgan Freeman’s world erupted into chaos. Zombies took over and dragons escaped from the netherworld making a rift between Sumatrasta and Zuthrata. The ninjas lived in the Valley of Singo, battling Mirkwood elves while the alumni of Hogwarts fought vampires from Washington suburbs. In Kamatriqua there was a clan of imps who were seduced by succubae from Landolakes, until Kilgore achieved his quest of finding the Sword of Andragos, banishing the succubae to Jellyfish Fields. This is when the Horde and Alliance clashed over the towers of Azeroth, casting Eyes of the Beast and Arcane Blast whenever they had manna. In the end, Morgoth ruled his domain of homosexuals and the world settled into a realm of deep evil that Morgan Freeman didn’t like. To continue, please refer to the following options:
Option One-If you want Morgan Freeman to leave and stop making worlds, stop reading now.
Option Two-If you want Morgan Freeman to try again, turn to page one, and reread Tablet 1 to Tablet 5, skipping Tablet 5 Chapter 3.
(If referring back from Tablet 5 Chapter 4 or Tablet 6 Chapter 2, please refer to the options at the end of the respective chapters)
4) Seeing where he went wrong, Morgan Freeman gave everybody souls as soon as they started to believe they had them. Then he created a Utopia in the sky where the souls of dead people got to go. Even though the people thought their souls would only be saved if they were good to others, Morgan Freeman admitted everyone’s soul to Utopia. He loved every soul so much that he didn’t think it was right to let one in and keep another out. The souls were saved by Morgan Freeman’s grace alone, not their works.
Unfortunately, everything was perfect in the Utopia and for that reason, incredibly repetitive. This eternity of perfection for every soul quickly gave way to an eternity of boredom. Morgan Freeman was happy with this boredom.
At this time, please reread Tablet Five Chapter Three and then refer to the following options:
Option One-If you want Morgan Freeman to give up now, you may stop reading.
Option Two-If you want Morgan Freeman to try again, turn to page one and reread Tablet 1 to Tablet 5, skipping Tablet 5 Chapter 3 and the time in Tablet 5 Chapter 4 when you are told to reread Tablet 5 Chapter 3. Then refer to Tablet 6.
Tablet 6 was never found.