The Sly Buck

Translator Cory Saul’s Introduction

The Inscription of Haut Puuket wasdiscovered in 1946 by explorer Charles Muntz in an ancient temple near Paradise Falls. Written on four limestone tablets in papyrus font, size 12, the inscription was surprisingly well preserved for being originally transcribed in the 18^th century BCE. It was also written in English, leading to a complete upheaval in the scholastic world of etymology. Several themes and events in the text parallel the book of Genesis, as well as contemporary works such as Enuma Elish, The Epic of Gilgamesh, and Twilight. The original title carried an inscription that read: “You’re really going to read this? I’m sorry…” 

Tablet One

1) (If referring back from Tablet 22 please disregard everything discussed hereafter.) Before the beginning, there was nothing. This much should be obvious. Then, in the beginning, the all-knowing Crocoshark created Morgan Freeman. And Crocoshark said, “Morgan Freeman, you have a much better voice than I do, so I hereby make you the Lord of this world.” To this, Morgan Freeman replied, “But Lord Crocoshark, where is this world that you will have me rule?” And Crocoshark said, “I have yet to make it. Don’t talk back.”

So Crocoshark separated some waters or something and created a square world, with perfect proportions. “That will not work. How will things grow and walk on this world?” asked Morgan Freeman. And Crocoshark replied, “I’d shut you up if your voice was not such audible chocolate.”

Then Crocoshark told Morgan Freeman to say, “Let there be light.” So Morgan Freeman said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. Then Crocoshark created trees and other foliage on his square world, and he also made carpet, but that was boring so he decided to make the carpet into hot lava. All the trees and foliage died.

Morgan Freeman then said, “Look at what you have done. The trees are burning and falling off your square world. You are a horrible Creator.” Hearing Morgan Freeman say this in such a beautiful voice made Crocoshark’s countenance fall. The all-knowing Crocoshark started to weep and left.

Now Morgan Freeman said, “Let it be right,” and the world was cut into a sphere, and the hot lava turned into land. The trees came back, and Lord Morgan Freeman said, “Let there be a sun for this world to rotate around, and let this world spin on an axis, so I might be able to record the rest of my creation in a span of days.” This is how Morgan Freeman created Time.

2) On the first day, the Lord MF said, “Let there be penguins, so I may one day use my voice to narrate a documentary about their plight.” So there were penguins. The Lord placed the penguins in the most horrible place on Earth: Cleveland. It would be several centuries before the penguins decided that Antarctica is much more hospitable. And the Lord said this was good.

On the second day, Morgan Freeman created the other animals. The hills of his world were rich with life. Deer, sheep, cats of all kinds, velociraptors, and elephants roamed, and the Lord said it was also good.

On the third day, Morgan Freeman made the birds of the sky and the fish of the water. He thought this was cool too.

On the fourth day, the Lord made a special little park within his world, so he may perform experiments and trial runs. Such things are necessary. And Morgan Freeman said, “This is good.”

On the fifth day, the Lord decided that he liked the chimpanzees he created so much, that he was going to give one of them a highly developed brain, less hair, and slightly better posture. Morgan Freeman said, “Let it be so,” and the operation was a success. However, fearing the immense power of this new being, He decided to take away the opposable big toe. He called this new being Man, and placed him in the little park he created the day before.

When Morgan Freeman created the animals, he made both male and female at the same time. So, when he created man, he also created female. Morgan Freeman understood reproduction… and man’s need for sandwiches.

Morgan Freeman then told man and woman to go about and name all the animals, because He was sick of working. So on the sixth and seventh days, Morgan Freeman took a nap.

3) So man and woman (after naming themselves Jesse and Sandra) went about the park, naming the creatures. This is when, out of sheer pretentiousness, they decided to spell pterodactyl with a “P” in the beginning.

Then the Lord created many more women, so Jesse could choose one of them, and be happy forever. It came to pass that Jesse decided he liked all the girls. And Morgan Freeman said, “Oops, I suppose I’ve made men like sex too much.” Eventually, the paparazzi started following the story and Jesse’s reputation was ruined.

Knowing that a man is nothing without his reputation, Morgan Freeman decided to start over. He destroyed Jesse the modified chimpanzee, and his women, and then made a new man and a new woman: Tom and Katie.

Tablet Two

1) Morgan Freeman came to Tom and Katie and said, “I’m going to hang out with you guys for a while. All I ask is that you don’t drink any of this delicious strawberry-banana smoothie I brought with me. If you do, the consequences are dire: you will be plagued with knowledge and wisdom that you really don’t want. Trust me.”

So Morgan Freeman stayed with Tom and Katie, examining their behavior, sipping his strawberry-banana smoothie. He enjoyed their company and created gifts for the couple. He even made Tom a couch to jump on.

During this time, many great three-player games were discovered, such as croquet, Monopoly, and Hungry Hungry Hippos. The threesome also created a popular sitcom. However, Tom and Katie did not match Morgan Freeman intellectually, so he quickly became depressed.

At this time, Morgan Freeman realized how the velocipraptors had become strikingly intelligent. One in particular, who called himself Philosiraptor, ran a commune not far from the park. So it came to pass that Morgan Freeman went to meet Philosiraptor, so he may get to talk about himself. Most philosophy involves Morgan Freeman.

2) Soon after the departure of Morgan Freeman, Tom and Katie realized that he had left his strawberry-banana smoothie. They tried to ignore it at first, but its red frothiness was too alluring. It was a really hot day.

The smoothie was sitting on a cute little end table, with a squiggly green straw sticking out of it. Katie approached it first, still trying to fight the temptation. A voice said, “Drink some of this delicious smoothie. I know you’re thirsty.”

“Who said that?” said Katie, afraid because the voice was so unbeautiful. The voice then said, “It is I, Crocoshark.”

And Katie said, “Show yourself, for I am most afraid of speaking with someone whom I cannot see.” Crocoshark said, “Wow, I’m literally right next to you. You can’t see me?”

Then Katie looked, and saw that Crocoshark was indeed right next to her. “Oh, sorry…”

“It’s okay,” said Crocoshark. “But please, drink of this smoothie. You do not know what you are missing.” It did look quite delicious in its crystal glass dripping with endless condensation.

On the other hand, Katie was afraid of being tricked. Morgan Freeman had specifically told her to stay away from this smoothie, and told her that she did not want the power it would give her. After all, the thing tempting her was a grotesque combination of a shark and a crocodile. Not to mention the horrible voice.

Katie said, “But Morgan Freeman said I do not want this, and he created me.” “He is fooling you! This smoothie is the source of his power!” Said Crocoshark. “If you drink of this smoothie you will gain a voice as powerful and soothing as his; a voice that can shift mountains and create life!”

So Katie drank from the glass, and Crocoshark said, “That didn’t take much convincing.” While she was drinking, Tom came up, and he was even easier to convince, so he drank some too.

When they had both finished, the glass was empty. Tom spoke, but his voice was the same as it was before.

Then Morgan Freeman returned from his visit with Philosiraptor, and upon seeing the empty glass, said, “I’m so seriously pissed off right now. I told you not to drink of this smoothie and then this silly Crocoshark comes along, and convinces you to.”

“But my Lord,” said Tom, “you said we would gain knowledge and wisdom if we drank of this, yet I feel nothing.” And Morgan Freeman said, “Of course you feel nothing. That was just my way of making it seem like it was a something other than just a regular smoothie!” Then Katie asked, “Why would you try to convince us not to drink the smoothie?”

“Duh!” Said Morgan Freeman. “Because it was my smoothie, and I wanted all of it!” Then Crocoshark said, “I have a question.” “Silence, Crocoshark! I hereby banish Tom and Katie from this exclusive park—“

“But my question is really really good!” Said Crocoshark, and Morgan Freeman conceded. “If you didn’t want them to drink it,” asked Crocoshark, “why did you ‘threaten’ them with knowledge and wisdom?”

And our Lord Morgan Freeman said, “That is an excellent question.”

The Tablet between Tablet Two and Four was never found. However, since it picks up on a genealogy chain, it is safe to assume that Tom and Katie managed to start a family and, through suspicious inbreeding, their children began multiplying the human race.

Tablet Four

1) …And when Abraham Lincoln lived 5,000 years, he begat Lincoln Town and Country. And after he became the father of Lincoln Town and Country, Abraham Lincoln lived 7,082 years and had other sons and daughters who apparently were not that important. Altogether, (if you can’t add) Abraham Lincoln lived 12,082 years.

And when Lincoln Town and Country lived 3,556 years, he begat Tiger Woods. And after he became father of Tiger Woods, Lincoln Town and Country lived 3 years, and had many more sons and daughters. Altogether, Lincoln Town and Country lived 3,559 years.

And when Tiger Woods lived 16 years, he begat Charles, for there was no birth control. After he became father of Charles, Tiger Woods lived 3,416 years, and had many many more sons and daughters. Altogether, Tiger Woods lived 3,432 years.

And when Charles lived 2,302 years, he begat Jonathan. And after he became the father of Jonathan, Charles lived 5,514 years, and had many more sons and daughters who he was sure were not very important. Altogether, Charles lived 7,816 years.

And when Jonathan lived 16 years, he realized he liked men, so he begat nobody. Altogether, Jonathan lived 6,572 years and was very happy. It was Charles who cried, “Why me? Why me? Why me?”

Since Jonathan begat nobody, let’s go back to one of those unimportant sons and daughters of Charles (Who am I kidding? You and I both know it’s going to be an unimportant son). When Charles lived 2,307 years, he begat Sean. He liked women. When Sean lived 1,046 years, he begat William (If referring back from Tablet 13 Chapter 4 replace William with Jeany Jeany Eatsazucchini). And after he became father of William, Sean lived 4,554 years. Altogether, Sean lived 5,600 years, but he was still unimportant.

2) William, who was unimportant because his father was unimportant, saw a flood coming. He gathered a bunch of animals and a few hot chicks and got on a boat he built. He rode out the storm while everyone else on Earth died. Then he repopulated the world, so everything above is kind of irrelevant.

3) So William had sex with all the women he brought on the boat, just like any other man in his position would, but the Lord became angry. “Why are you having sex with all these women? It goes against all the rules!” And William said, “What rules?” And Morgan Freeman said, “Touché.”

This made Morgan Freeman create rules, which he gave to the son of William, whose name was Alexander. This is when Chuck Norris came back in time and roundhouse kicked Alexander. Then Chuck Norris left. Alexander’s untimely death forced William to take up the rules himself. These rules are written in pure gold on tablets made of diamonds and they’re in a box somewhere near Buenos Ares, but don’t look for them. Alexander took the tablets and read them to the world, which already had two billion people. This is what they said: 1) Thou shalt not copulate excessively, until we get birth control. 2) Thou shalt not pity the fool. 3) Thou shalt not perform handstands in kilts. 4) Thou shalt not get caught cheating. 5) Thou shalt not spawn-camp. 6) Thou shalt not kick puppies. 7) Thou shalt not eat fish with cheese. 8) Thou shalt be repetitive in the prefixes of your commands. 9) Thou shalt watch Shawshank Redemption. 10) Thou shalt exercise free will. 11) Thou shalt tell dead baby jokes at cocktail parties. 11) Thou shalt not [the rest of the rules have been lost due to a lack of faith in their practicality]

4) And just so people wouldn’t argue about what is right in the eyes of the Lord Morgan Freeman, he also told Alexander that he is pro-choice, forbids gay marriage, approves of immigration, supports health care reform, hates George Clooney too, knows that stem cell research will get you nowhere, forbids furry pornography, sees racism as a means to eternal happiness, is completely behind imperialism, forbids global warming, and sees women as equals to house cats.

Tablet Five

1) Now the whole world gathered in one place and spoke one language. They had discovered the god Money, and followed him without question. The people said to one another, “Come, let us build a city, and two towers that reach to the heavens and symbolize our love for Money.” So it came to pass that the people built two towers, using steel for stone and concrete for mortar. But Morgan Freeman saw these towers and said, “Who is this Money they are worshiping? I have a much better voice.” Then the people said, “But Money talks!” And Morgan Freeman said, “Shut up, that wasn’t even funny.” And he knocked down the two towers, and scattered the people of the Earth, creating all the different languages, except for Latin; he killed Latin because it is useless.

2) And it came to pass that a son of somebody whose name I forget because he was unimportant became satisfactory in the eyes of Morgan Freeman. The son’s name was Chris. Chris loved Morgan Freeman in Million Dollar Baby, so he decided to make a church dedicated to him. Many people came, and soon, most of the world was worshiping Morgan Freeman.

Unfortunately, these churches spent their time singing shallow praise songs that Morgan Freeman found repetitive and meaningless, and preachers did nothing in their sermons but preach their word, and claim it was Morgan Freeman’s. Soon, the world was worshiping Morgan Freeman, but not the Morgan Freeman that created them, destroyed most of them, and then created them again.

Then the worshipers of Morgan Freeman became convinced that they had souls, and that these souls would escape from their dead bodies and ascend to some afterlife Utopia in which they would live forever. This made Morgan Freeman laugh.

3) But it came to pass that people found out that they didn’t have souls (If referring back from Tablet 5 Chapter 4, omit “didn’t have souls” and replace with “were saved by grace.” If referring back from Tablet 6 Chapter 2, omit “they didn’t have souls” and replace with “the cake is a lie.”). This made them very happy, because it meant that they could do whatever they wanted during life without fear of consequences in the afterlife. So Morgan Freeman’s world erupted into chaos. Zombies took over and dragons escaped from the netherworld making a rift between Sumatrasta and Zuthrata. The ninjas lived in the Valley of Singo, battling Mirkwood elves while the alumni of Hogwarts fought vampires from Washington suburbs.  In Kamatriqua there was a clan of imps who were seduced by succubae from Landolakes, until Kilgore achieved his quest of finding the Sword of Andragos, banishing the succubae to Jellyfish Fields. This is when the Horde and Alliance clashed over the towers of Azeroth, casting Eyes of the Beast and Arcane Blast whenever they had manna. In the end, Morgoth ruled his domain of homosexuals and the world settled into a realm of deep evil that Morgan Freeman didn’t like. To continue, please refer to the following options:

Option One-If you want Morgan Freeman to leave and stop making worlds, stop reading now.

Option Two-If you want Morgan Freeman to try again, turn to page one, and reread Tablet 1 to Tablet 5, skipping Tablet 5 Chapter 3. 

(If referring back from Tablet 5 Chapter 4 or Tablet 6 Chapter 2, please refer to the options at the end of the respective chapters)

4) Seeing where he went wrong, Morgan Freeman gave everybody souls as soon as they started to believe they had them. Then he created a Utopia in the sky where the souls of dead people got to go. Even though the people thought their souls would only be saved if they were good to others, Morgan Freeman admitted everyone’s soul to Utopia. He loved every soul so much that he didn’t think it was right to let one in and keep another out. The souls were saved by Morgan Freeman’s grace alone, not their works.

Unfortunately, everything was perfect in the Utopia and for that reason, incredibly repetitive. This eternity of perfection for every soul quickly gave way to an eternity of boredom. Morgan Freeman was happy with this boredom.

At this time, please reread Tablet Five Chapter Three and then refer to the following options:

Option One-If you want Morgan Freeman to give up now, you may stop reading.

Option Two-If you want Morgan Freeman to try again, turn to page one and reread Tablet 1 to Tablet 5, skipping Tablet 5 Chapter 3 and the time in Tablet 5 Chapter 4 when you are told to reread Tablet 5 Chapter 3. Then refer to Tablet 6.

Tablet 6 was never found.

The Cul-de-Sac

My mom used to send us to bed really early, sometimes even before the sun went down. I remember one night in the middle of summer I was trying to get to sleep when I looked out the window and you ran out of your house across the cul-de-sac. Naked. You were covered in bubble bath from head to toe and your mom raced after you, red in the face, maybe with anger but probably embarrassment. There were plenty of kids outside still, and when they saw you running they ran, skated, and biked alongside you, screaming with you as their leader, “I’m free! I’m free! I’m free!”

Life too regular

So there’s this woman, and she wakes up alone in a room without windows. And a speaker in the ceiling starts playing her favorite song. She sings along with it, content and entertained, but when it finishes, it starts again. And again. And again. After the tenth repetition, the chorus starts to get pitchy and annoying, and after the twentieth, it dawns on her how unimaginative the lyrics are during the bridge. She starts pleading to the walls, asking them to change the song. She wants something new; this is just too repetitive, too regular. Then she turns around, and there’s a note on the wall that tells her she should have never woken up.

Floor Plan I

Two days ago I walked home from school, skipped across the stepping-stones, through the front door. Returning your text, I climbed the stairs, turned left and walked the autopilot twelve steps where I turned left again, into my room. The text was finished and I looked up, and saw a man sitting at a desk in the middle of my room. Apparently he had redecorated everything, even painting the walls khaki. Khaki is such a hideous color.

Something was wrong, so when he looked up, alarmed, I asked, “Where am I?”

 “209 Vista Marfino.”

I live at 205 Vista Marfino.

Floor Plan II

I’ve created another world under my bed. I’ve mapped it out and given it truths. Panels like a chessboard that I sometimes spread out on the floor. A1, A2, A3…

My brother shares a bathroom with me. Both our rooms connect through separate doors. One night I heard him rush in. From my bed, I listened to something wet hit the carpet, somewhere between a thud and a plop. He didn’t quite reach the toilet. We had an intervention the next day, but my bathroom smelled sour for days.

Stalemate 

Whenever the housecleaner comes over she Windexes the glass chessboard in the hallway. Then she puts the pieces back, but she has no idea where they’re supposed to go. So she separates the colors and puts each team’s pieces, at random, in the first two rows of their respective sides. Sometimes my brother and I would play chess Alejandra Style after she left, the king in the front row, maybe a bishop in the left corner. It was never boring.

Here I am

Isaac the Bear is my favorite stuffed animal because my grandma gave him to me when I was three. I don’t even remember the day she gave him to me that’s how long ago it was. And one day my mom looked at Isaac and said, “Look how dirty and ragged he is. Take him outside and throw him away.”

I said no, because Isaac the Bear is my favorite stuffed animal. Then my mom promised me more stuffed animals than I could count if I just went out to the trash and tossed Isaac in.

Let’s Forget All We Used to Know

You know you’ve changed a lot, right? I realized that when we escaped to the park and you brought a flashlight and a blanket and a book. We read to each other and then we built our home that we’ll live in some day just by talking about it. It’ll be a ranch with goats and a garden. And when the goats get in the garden we’ll yell at them and be angry but we’ll get through it.

You forgot a pillow so you let me rest on your arm, and I’m sure it fell asleep and got all pins and needles but you didn’t say anything.

The Sourdough Starter 

When my grandma died, my mom didn’t cry. It’s like she didn’t even notice. I remember walking downstairs the morning after we got the news, and seeing my mom preparing my sack lunch as usual.

She said, “I didn’t know what you felt like today, so I just made PB&J.” Like any other morning.

But just last week, when she realized she hadn’t been keeping up on the old sourdough starter, she pulled it from the top shelf and found a mountain of blue mold growing from the center of the batter. Furry and rancid. And as she scraped it into the garbage, she wept and wailed and didn’t stop crying for three days.

Somewhere with Seasons / KV62

This town never changes. There aren’t even seasons here. Remember that smell when it rains for the first time in months? It’s not a nice smell, but I wish it were here.

Someone told me that when they broke into King Tut’s tomb

they found honey. And when they tasted it they tasted clover and goldenrod 3,000 years old. What if we were like that? What if we were buried with those heavy golden masks on our shoulders and then dug up centuries later and we smelled the same, and when we kissed we had the same taste? We’d be hung up in some museum as a wonder of eternity and proof of love’s potential until through those masks, we will our ka escape.

Serenity

Bees made a hive in our roof last year. Right above the garage, they swarmed and one stung our mom. So we called a guy who came out and stuck his whole arm up in the roof panel, bees crawling down his arm, colliding with his forehead, but never stinging. Slowly, he removed his arm and his hand was black, moving, and loud with insects tripping over each other. He told us that the queen was somewhere in his hand, and that her subjects would follow. A tornado surrounded him as he walked back to his van, and they were loud and angry but he was too prepared, too calm, too powerful to be stung—for he held the Queen.

Now I’m Hip!

Harold Skinner completed the eighth loop in the best fishing line knot, feeding the free end through the loop created near the eye of the hook. Then he pulled it taught. It was a beautiful time of year, the best time in Harold’s opinion, because the worms he bought every Monday from Bob’s Market were plump and lively. Summer.

The best way to get them out of the Styrofoam cup was to put his whole hand in, feeling around in the wood chips and dirt clods until the telltale fingerprint friction of an attempted escapee registered on an old finger. He skewered a victim as the anchored dinghy rocked lightly on the wake of a passing boat. It was the only other vessel he had seen all morning, but as it passed he spoke lightly to himself. “Looks like my hole’s becoming more popular.”

The fishing hole he was anchored over was not his in the sense that he owned it, but it was his favorite. It was the best. He went twice a week, Monday and Thursday, parking his diesel Chevy in Charlie’s driveway. Charlie also let Harold keep his dinghy at the little river dock he owned. The hole was just a few hundred yards down stream; a stone’s throw from the green bridge that held Highway 38 above the Umpqua River. The spot was quite peaceful despite the cars and semis crossing constantly.

On those mornings, Harold would convince the little outboard motor to start, and riding over, kill the prop just as he drifted over the fishing hole. Then he would toss in the anchor, and the river would tug and tug on Harold but he and his little boat would stay right where he was most comfortable.

One of his favorite things about this spot was the sheep that sometimes came down to graze on the bank. They’d yell every once in a while, like angry old men.

“Get off my laaawwwn,” they would say. “Get off my laaawwwn.”

He pulled back the bail of the old spinning reel and hooked the line on his aching finger, swinging the pole and then freeing the line. Plop. Perfect. He knew just how deep his favorite fishing hole was, so he let the lively worm sink to just above the rock bottom, and no more. Then he popped open a can of his favorite beer.

Harold had a lot of favorite things. From church to pizza place to underwear brand, he knew exactly what the best of everything was, and always will be. The best movie was Twelve Angry Men and the best book East of Eden. He had not watched a movie or read a book since deciding that these were the best.

When he tossed the first can to the bow of the dinghy, something caught Harold’s eye. There was a thin chain stuck between the inflated rubber and the plywood floor of the boat, and as he pulled it from it’s snag and brushed off the spider webs, the old man realized it was a necklace that once belonged to his wife. A stainless-steel hummingbird hung from one of the chain segments.

She left him a few years ago; her main complaint was that he wasn’t open-minded, but to Harold that was not a sufficient excuse for leaving someone alone for the rest of his life. The only thing he did was tell her not to play any of that God-awful young people music. She should have known that the only thing he would listen to was Johnny Cash.

He stuffed the necklace into a pocket in his fishing vest.

It was quiet that day; not even a nibble. In fact it had been quiet for a while now, as long as Harold could remember he hadn’t gotten a nibble at his hole. Not a single bass had shown its gills. But changing his fishing spot would be out of the question.

About a month before a young man got his attention from the south bank. “Hey Skinner!” He called. “See where that limb hangs over on the other side?”

Harold nodded, “Sure do.”

“I caught my limit o’er there just last Tuesday. You should give it a shot.”

Hearing what the man said, Harold blinked a few times and nodded slowly, “Thanks, but I think I’ll catch my limit here.”

The man scratched his head, a little ashamed, “But that hole’s been dead for years, Skinner.”

“I’m fine here boy, thanks.”

But this is when the young man on the bank was proven wrong. The hole was not dead.

Harold had barely opened his second beer when there came a tug on his favorite river pole. The old man with aching fingers grabbed and pulled on the reel, but it fought. Something was wrong. This was not the typical small mouth bass Harold had been expecting. He had landed a sturgeon. It was the most delicious kind of fish.

Excited by the prospect of catching such a great animal, Harold pulled on the reel, but he couldn’t gain any line. In fact, the line was quickly spinning away. No matter how hard he fought it, the fish kept dragging. His fingers ached more and more, and within five minutes the line was spooled. Before he could react, the pole jerked loose, but he wasn’t going to give up that easily. He lunged for it, wanting nothing more than to have the best pole in the world back. But it was gone. The pole skirted off along the surface, and before Harold realized that he’d shifted too much weight to one side of the dinghy, it tipped.

Now sinking through the muffled world of the Umpqua, Harold opened his eyes. He faintly glimpsed the snake-like sturgeon swim away upstream, hook it mouth. It was nearly seven feet long.

The river continued to move, despite how much Harold wanted to stay right where he was.

Never the greatest swimmer, he tried in vain to tread water. When he looked back, he could only just see his anchored upturned dinghy disappear behind the curve. A sheep yelled from the bank. “Get off my laaawwwn.”

Harold tried to breathe, but liquid filled his mouth. He knew he wouldn’t survive the river; it was moving too fast. The sheep watched him splash by. The hummingbird necklace slipped from his vest pocket and sank. It would end soon. But it didn’t matter. Harold had spent many years thinking about it, and he had decided that drowning was the best way to die.